Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
