I'm jealous of your bromance
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
