Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
