period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
