I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
