Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
