I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
