Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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