I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
