Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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