Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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