The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I have aggressive nipples.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
