I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
