"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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