i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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