One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
