When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We're too hungover to prance.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
