i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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