Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
