If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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