I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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