Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
