How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
