my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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