Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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