by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
