i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
