For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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