two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
