my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
