I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
