i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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