if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
