um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
