I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
