I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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