You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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