I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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