god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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