i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying