So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
