Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
