I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
this hospital has no fireball
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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