Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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