I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
