the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
