I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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