Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
