I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
