Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
