I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
