she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
