Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
