Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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