Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
