I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
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