If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
