You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
