According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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