No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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