Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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