....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
