You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
