So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
